It’ll Do
by Peyton Breckinridge and William J. Conaway
Copyright William J. Conaway, 1989
Epidode 6 – Lady from Mars
George Washington Putnam wasn’t exactly what you would call a regular at the It’ll Do. He stopped in the bar now and again for a beer. It was a surprise when he came in one Thursday afternoon and asked us for our help.
It’s not easy to get surprised about anything going on in the It’ll Do. Old George managed to hand us one that kept me hard at work building dark beers. He was planning to build his own rocket ship and fly it to Mars. He said he needed our help in building it.
There are two ways of looking at this. We could see him safely off to the State Mental Hospital in Sommerville. Or we could work with him, to make sure he didn’t blow himself (or anyone else) up. You know the crowd at the It’ll Do, so you know the decision we made.
Building a rocket ship is not easy work. There weren’t any of us that wanted to work very hard at it, either. George pushed hard. His brother-in-law, Fenton, worked in the caves where the army stored a lot of their surplus equipment. He had access to titanium, old rocket motors, and such-like. George managed to con him out of an incredible amount of
stuff.
The thing ended up being about 85 feet long. It had quite a number of surplus rockets sticking out of it from all sorts of strange angles. He pressurized the cabin with some old scuba equipment.
George was crazy. He wanted Thad Holtzer’s dog, Jethro, to go up in it first for a test flight. Since we were all fond of Jethro, we couldn’t allow it anyway. That just left George. We couldn’t, in all good conscience allow George to let himself get blown away, either. Even Vera couldn’t figure a way out of this one.
My friend, Orville, is a pretty sharp man, as Mavis would say, a good psychologist. Orville decided that, all things considered, what George needed was something to take his mind off the subject. I remember that it was a Tuesday evening at the It’ll Do. Only Vera, Mavis, Alice Mae,J.C., and Orville were there when Orville began to explore the subject.
“We all know that old George is crazy, don’t we?” Everyone nodded at that.
“We all know we can’t very well let him go up in that piece of junk, with its’ rockets and what-all. The fool will just get himself killed?” We all nodded at that.
“So it is incumbent upon us,” (every once-in-a-while Orville can come up with some really interesting words to use),”to put a stop to this.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“How?” Alice Mae added.
J.C. plunked his glass of dark beer” down on the bar. He had a foxy look. A grinning fox.
“Well, why don’t we get him a lady from Mars?”
“If he actually had one, maybe he wouldn’t be so determined to try to fly that thing up there,” Vera added.
“J.C., you’ve got something in mind?” Mavis asked.
“Well, you all know that George doesn’t get around much. I know a girl that works at The Barn. She’s sure not a Martian, she’s from Texas. If we could dress her up right, and give her some coaching, she could make a real fine Martian lady. She just might be able to talk George out of doing it.”
“J.C., you just get that girl over here to me,” Vera said. “I absolutely guarantee that in a couple of days we’ll have a Martian lady to work with.”
That pleased everyone. We figured to split the costs, just so we could save George’s life. Vera took that girl from Beeville, Texas and did a job on her so she was a Martian in no time at all.
Orville brought George Washington Putnam into the It’ll Do a couple of days later. I had cautioned everyone at the bar to keep their mouths shut. Across from me on one of the stools was the Lady from Mars. I had fixed her a beer mixed with cranberry juice. It looked exotic. She did too.
Orville steered George over toward the bar, but stopped about five feet short of where the Lady from Mars was sitting.
“George,” he said. “Do you see that lady? Well, she is not an EARTHLING. She told me, in confidence mind, that she is from the planet Mars. I thought you might want to meet her.”
“Oh, I do, I do indeed,” said George.
That was all it took. Sue Ann from The Barn did her job. She told him (as they were sitting in one of my horse-shoe booths) that it was a better thing for Martian to visit Earth than vice-versa. Mars had such strict immigration laws. It was near to impossible even to get a travel permit. She even took George home that evening to her mobile home, to boot.
There was no more talk about getting into a space craft for a flight to Mars.
Living and Writing in Mexico 
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